Dream sequence #4

April 15, 1999 - Thursday

My cousins were at my house and Chris was there, too. We had a trampoline in the bathroom. The cousins wanted to jump on it, but my mom said that somebody had to watch them and she told me and Chris to. We were watching them jump and Chris said, "Wow, those lights are really bright." Then I said, "I know. Try coming in here in the morning when you are really tired. They wake you up." Then my mom came in and wondered what was wrong. Chris said, "Those lights are really bright." Then we both got on the trampoline and started jumping. Chris accidentally bumped one of the lights and it burned out. He said sorry, but I said that it didn't matter because the other one had just burned out and this one was about to anyway.

Again...boringness...At least there was a trampoline in the bathroom though!


April 21, 1999 - Wednesday

It was summertime. Emmeline was over and we were having a fight. I said that she always picked Meredith before me for projects and stuff because she didn't want to be my best friend any more. Then I said that she picked Meredith because she was smarter and only worked with me when she wasn't there because she thought I was dumb. Then Emmy got really mad at me and left the room. She went outside. I had a little 8oz can of soda and I shook it up a lot and went out to look for her. I found her down the road on the bleachers watching a baseball game at the field by the high school. Then I gave her the soda and she opened it and it sprayed all over her. I couldn't stop laughing. Then she blamed me for it, which was true, and went to go home and we weren't friends anymore.

Wow...repressed emotions or something? Jealousy? Dang. Seems like I had some issues. I don't recall things actually being that way...and I'm pretty sure Emmy and I never had an argument about anything. hmm.

It appears to me that keeping a dream journal is actually what got me started on journaling. Hmm. And since Lauren (yes, another one) is the one that gave me the dream journal, I'd say it's really thank to her that I'm here at all. By here I mean on xanga, of course. Not like here as in alive, though...that could be attributed to her/journaling as well. Not sure if I'll be posting any of those entries.

I felt really bad because I...decided to not go to my friend's birthday party. It partly makes me feel like an awful friend. But the reason I didn't go was also because I feel like going would have made me partly feel like an awful person. And I think that's worse. The date was set aside long ago. When it was mentioned, the way it was said, I assumed that it meant the entire day. Enough of us either don't work or have odd schedules that that wouldn't be completely un-doable on a weekday. Well, a facebook message was finally sent out about a week before the scheduled day and...my heart just sank as soon as I read it and realized that...it just wasn't what I had been expecting at all. I guess I just thought we were past the birthday party going to a bar so everyone can drink a lot phase. I've never enjoyed that scene. I just can't support it. If that's your style, that's fine. I don't have and don't want to have control over your life. Live it your way. If that's fun for you, then that's wonderful. But it's not me. I'm not saying I don't drink. I'm fine going to a bar with friends for a drink. Maybe some karaoke. But I tend to try to avoid situations and parties where I know people will be drinking a lot. I don't go to drinking parties. If I end up at one, I usually sit alone and leave early. If I'm the DD, then maybe I'll go find a place to take a nap. Last time we went for karaoke there was a purpose and one friend was celebrating...by drinking. I didn't even finish the one drink I ordered and just...didn't have as much fun as normal. Same people as other times. The atmosphere was just different.

So the plan for this party was to meet for pizza downtown, then get on a rented vehicle with alcohol provided and drink while driving around town. Could be fun, yes. Could be horrid also. Horrid is a strong word. I moreso mean unenjoyable. For me. I likely wouldn't drink anything because I'd have to drive back from Chicago at a super late hour and it would make me sleepy. I don't as much enjoy loud, obnoxious fun and that's what often happens when a lot of alcohol is consumed. Depends on the person. I know these people. haha. Saying it like that sounds bad. Most of them are my friends. Some just acquaintances. It also seems wasteful to drive around just to drive around, but that's a whole different issue. So I was just going to meet for dinner. And then as the day progressed, that just really started to wear on me. Driving 5-6 hours (roundtrip - could be worse with traffic) for a 1-1.5 hour dinner...just felt wasteful. Even to be with friends. Partly also because it wouldn't be safe for me to drive back. A 3 hour drive starting at 10 when I'm normally asleep by then. I do fall asleep at the wheel. I have. Nothing bad has happened yet. This is why I've stopped driving tired. Too many close calls.

I've also just been driving so much lately...back and forth from WI to IL...and...I just need a break. All last year I didn't have a car. We shared a vehicle that could be driven around town. I walked to work. Drove sometimes on weekends. Sometimes to the Y. It was nice. Then I got my car back and went on a road trip. It was nice to drive again. But I like not having to. Not needing to. It was nice to take the bus today, even though it ran quite late. It's nice to walk outside for more than the distance from the house to the curb. Even when it's cold outside. I was excited to finally have a weekend that I wasn't driving the 2 hours to my parents' house. My parents almost even expected me to come home every week. They'd ask when I'd be back when I left. Call sometimes to clarify to check if I didn't come home when I originally thought. Not that they were making me come back or anything...it was just kind of expected. Just what seemed usual. It just can't be usual anymore. The community is becoming more of a home now. I have some clothes unpacked and put away. My clothes are actually in the hamper, not just in one of my bags waiting until I take them to my parents' to wash. I've cooked dinner. I've cleaned. It's more comfortable now. I can't revert to the old ways.

Driving back to IL to see friends should be something I look forward to. If I go back at every little opportunity, even if I know I won't enjoy it, just so I can see them, then eventually I'd associate their friendship with...bad times. No fun. And that just isn't good for any friendship. So I do feel bad. And I apologize to my friends for not coming. But I just couldn't. I need a weekend to just be. Not be going everywhere.

Dream sequence #2

April 7, 1999 - Wednesday.

There were 17 of us: Me, Amy, Chris, Chrissy, Emmeline, Jason, Sheila, Michelle, Peter, Jesus, Matt, Meredith, Lisa, Andrea, Nathan, and Clayton. Ok, maybe it's 16. We were all in church for a ceremony. We lined up in the back of church in some order and the last 3 were Chris, then me, then Amy. Chrissy and Michelle sat next to each other in the front. 8 people sat in the first pew, then they started in the second. Chris was the 7th person in that pew, but he must have thought he was 8th because he sat at the end. When I walked up, he realized that he had to move over. I sat on the end next to him. Amy sat by herself across the aisle from me. When I sat down, Chrissy gave me a look like, 'that's not fair'. When everyone was seated, we looked towards the front of the church and noticed a projection screen there. Then, suddenly, it turned on and we were watching a space thing like Star Wars and it was like 3-D. When that was over, Chris decided to have a party at his house so we all went there. We were sitting down in one room and most of the guys sat in the other room. Emmy and Meredith were playing Super Nintendo the whole time. Then Chris' mom came in and brought out this game called 'Icy or Hot'. Everybody got a little stick and it would either give a cold burn or a hot burn. You were supposed to draw something on a board with the stick and the picture would look different if it was drawn with an icy stick than it would with a hot stick. After awhile, everyone got bored and somebody hit Matt in the face with a stick. I felt so bad for him. In the other room, all the guys were playing Playstation so we went out there because we were bored. Pretty soon, everybody went home. The next night, my family was supposed to go to some party and I thought I had a pink wig that I wanted to wear, so I destroyed my room looking for it. Then my parents go mad at me because we were so late.


It seems odd to me that both of these dreams are...semi-normal. I thought I recalled having crazy weird dreams, but...apparently not?


I made dinner last night. A pasta bake with zucchini and some carrots, peppers, & onions marinated in an oil/vinegar/tomato saucy stuff. Both turned out quite well. I used apple cider vinegar...E wondered what it would taste like with balsamic. So, since it's community dinner tonight and he has the side, he wanted to try it again that way. So I just made carrots again. We shall see which is the preferred.

And I've decided that I really enjoy making dinner for other people. And that this community dinner thing is the way to go. 3 times a week. Max you have to make 1 portion of the meal. And you get salad, main dish, and a side. Sometimes dessert. And there are 6 contributors so you definitely don't have to make something at every meal. Good system.